and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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