oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
