Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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