My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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