I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
