I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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