Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
