I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize