Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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