I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
