I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
you would pick up someone in the library
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
