It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Randomize
