dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
