i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
