Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
