dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
