My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
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