If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
