oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
