You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize