Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
