do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
