When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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