your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
