"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
