so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
