I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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