I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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