ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Randomize
