Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
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