Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
