Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
