If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
