went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
