The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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