He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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