This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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