I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
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