He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
