My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize