I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
