I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize