From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
