Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
