My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
