did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
