just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
