operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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