If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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