Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Randomize
