His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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