why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
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