i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
