Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
