I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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