ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
