Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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