When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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