there's paper in my vomit.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Randomize
